Anxious again. In my neck. Shaking my hands and tapping my fingers together, shaking out the thoughts. Getting worse? Walking around muttering to myself "chop off your hands, your arms, your head." Like destroy the body to destroy the mind.
Got to work a full hour late. Sat outside and cried a little bit. Been another hour, havent worked. Can't focus on anything. All my thoughts are in my neck, and shoulders. I hate this mask, it sends my breath into my eyes, dries them out.
It's Yangtong's birthday today, we're getting dumplings to celebrate.
I just want to go to bed. Didn't go till 2am last night, sat at my desk and thought about going to bed and didn't. I'm such a LOW FUNCTIONING PERSON, why can't I even go to bed when I'm near my bed and tired. I am trash trash trash. trash trash trash. trash trash trash.
Like physically my neck hurts, from what from nothing. 7 billion people in this world and I won the goddamn lottery and I waste my stupid life every damn day.
I curled my hair last night, it looks nice.
I want to fall asleep for years.
I want to be loved, but I don't want to work for it, I'd rather fucking die.
I miss hugs, I miss touch.
I don't want to be touched.
^ That's weird right? I want hugs all the time, but when I'm truly down, and pitiable enough that even Adriene donates a hug, I don't fucking want it. I feel AWFUL don't touch me.
I just want some one to dig pieces out of my neck with a soup spoon and just throw me in a bucket of water to be melted down and remade into a better person. Reclaim me and build me better.
No comments:
Post a Comment