ladies and gentlemen, my parents

Car Crash Fantasy

I kept day dreaming all day that I got hit by a car, and they kept on trying to get me to go into an ambulance and I wouldn't get in. I'd just lie bleeding on the street refusing the ambulance, and eventually news crews and a crowd would gather around. And I'd shout into the cameras that I'd rather die than pay $60,000 to keep living this dumb life. And I'd ask the news crews to let me tell my mom and Tate I was sorry and that I loved them, and I'd die there. And then maybe that would be the catalyst for some healthcare reform in this dumb country. And I wouldn't have to stand in the kitchen wanting to cut open my fucking wrists but not being able to cut anything.  I just want to sleep forever.

turning 29 soon

baby

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seventeen

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Dad's Side / Mom's Side

Brother's in Town

Tate's in town and I have 6 hours sleep and -$1.14 in my bank account. I'm back to working on Sundays, and that's only one day off now. I don't know how to manage my life or my money, so my only solution I've come up with is to work every possible day to make the most possible money (still not much) so it's harder to waste it, and also if you work every day you don't have to think about the rest of your life.

I'm so so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so physically tired. My arm aches from work, right in the elbow pit. I've got it bent in too much. I guess it aches from work and the computer. I'm worried about fatigue or carpal tunnel. I am behind on all payments. My room is a disaster. I have to do the dishes, make coffee, but I'm writing this instead.

I'm such a fucking mess. I work so I can tunnel vision, just get to 6 o clock so you can come home and collapse. But when I widen my focus- god, everything's a goddamn mess isn't it.

There's a broken cup on the ground just inside of my bedroom door, and I've just been stepping on it for days. It's only bisqued so it's not vitrified and sharp, but honestly babe? Just pick up those dull lil' shards.

My whole life / is broken glass / I'm too tired / to pick it up
It get's stuck / in my feet / little shards / stuck in meat

I have a history of leaving dangerous stuff on my floor for weeks. Whenever that little poem feels like I really relate to it I know I'm in a down swing. I gotta find my way into an up. I only see Tatey a couple times a year, so, better to be happy than sad.

It's hard though. I've been feeling like I'd rather not ever wake up for about a week now. Not actively life ending, so that's good. Just, you know, tired and done with the world. There doesn't seem to be a future. I always scoffed at 5 year plans - just live your liiiffe duuude- but wow, with 5 year plans maybe life doesn't seem like a dark endless tunnel. Or like a little foot path ending a a brick wall. Or a cliff. Maybe seeing 5 years into the future makes a road that hits the horizon so you can at least aim for that. 5 years from now I'll be 34. What a stupid age to still not know what you're doing.

That’s What I Like (tag meme)

That’s What I Like (tag meme)

I was tagged by the lovely @noone

I just wanted to do this, like an internet quiz or something. But on my blog that no one reads. Adriene and Nicole are watching Sopranos in the next room. It's comforting actually. 

Rules: bold what you prefer and tag 10 people.

01. coffee or tea (Coffee, coffee. But I think I should switch to tea. Better for you and more romantic)

02. early bird or night owl (It's 12:30 am as I type this. I want to be both, I've reached the point where I want more hours in the day) 

03. chocolate or vanilla (If it's a bar, chocolate. If it's a flavor of ice cream, always vanilla)

04. spring or fall (CRISP)

05. silver or gold (It looks better on me)

06. pop or alternative (Alt covers a lot more ground than pop, though I quite love pop too) 

07. freckles or dimples (I even have some frecks)

08. snakes or sharks (Always snakes. 1989 bitches) 

09. mountains or fields (Mountains let you know exactly where you are) 

10. thunderstorm or lightning (both plz)

11. Egyptian or Greek mythology (I was introduced to Greek first, so I feel I know it better) 

12. ivory or scarlet  (ivory has this beautiful depth to it) 

13. flute or lyre (Honestly, this is a guess. I like strings more than woodwinds genrerally)

14. eyes or lips (Both, but I love a good set of eyes) 

15. witch or fairy (Once upon a midnight, I would have chosen fairy. Now I feel more strongly about witches. 

16. opal or diamond (so beautiful, the opal. Each one so different from the next. October, bitchessss) 

17. butterflies or honeybees (Love honey, love stripes) 

18. macaroons or eclairs (eh. Eclairs? Don't know) 

19. typewritten or handwritten letters (both, if the type is from a typewriter) 

20. secret garden or secret library (Both! But a secret library is nice even when it rains. )

21. rooftop or balcony (Both, but a balcony seems more cozy. More personal) 

22. spicy or mild (SPICE!) 

23. opera or ballet (I love the opera. Also, you can have a ballet in an opera, but you can't have an opera in a ballet.) 

24. London or Paris (Parissss, romance) 

25. Vincent Van Gogh or Claude Monet (I thought at first this was Manet, and the choice would have been hard, but ugh, Monet. I love Van Gogh, and his wild lines. ) 

26. denim or leather (both. But I am the common folk, I am devoted to jeans.)

27. potions or spells (More portable)

28. ocean or desert (Give me that salty air) 

29. mermaid or siren (Sirens are cruel. Mermaids are too, but they sometimes are't) 

30. masquerade ball or cocktail party (When people make the effort, go with the masked ball) 

Resolutions Pt. 1

Should I really call these resolutions? I'm not so resolute. But I need to be better, be a better person, both for me and for those around me. So, here's a few.

1) Stop being mad at your roommates for liking each other more than they like you. They have matching personalities and are two sets of couples, and that's hard to try and play keep up with. breathe deep and let go of the frustrations you feel over them bonding and also not cleaning the house.

You aren't their friend anymore. This isn't a house of friends. It's a house of three friends and one cool lady who is chill and comes and goes as she pleases and makes the house better with her plants and aesthetic. Rebrand.

2) Find a way to be less passive aggressive about other people cleaning the house. Find a way to ask them to tidy better, or find a way to not hold the frustration in when you end up cleaning up after them anyways. Also, they're never going to thank you for mopping, cleaning the whole goddamn bathroom, doing their dishes or being the only person to ever clean the stove. (<--- last="" of="" p="" s="" that="" the="">
3) Keep in contact with your friends. Reach out when you think of them. I'm talking Dara, Betsy, Glynnis, Parker, Raph, Evelia, etc.


That's a good start. Oh -

4) Stop talking about babies with Nicole, and also physical appearances, families, childhood, and blackness. No good comes of having a conversation with her about these things.

5) Stop talking about black issues with white people.

6) Hang out with less white people. It's toxic in large doses and you know it.


Okay. Now that's a good start.  I feel better already.

From 17

Adriene wants to enter a fiction contest and it's a snow day today, so I'm supposed to be writing, but we all know what a lazy fuck I am so I've only just started to go through old journals to see if I've planted a seed of an idea years ago that I can turn into a story today.

The first journal I opened was an old staple bound moleskin, graph lined. I used to write everything with a pen and nib, dipped in ink; its impossible to read, but so romantic. So I'm just stumbling through this illegible poetic mess and the story I've found just slowly untangles itself in front of me and what I'm left with is this recounting, a fragment of a memory from senior year of high school. I didn't even know I had any journals from high school left. The reason I keep journals is to keep these memories, because my mind is a sieve, but I rarely look back on them. This will seem insignificant, but it nearly shocked me - I can't believe this is a piece of a life I lived. If you had interrogated me I wouldn't have been able to produce it, but here it is:

Last night we
stayed up late and we
lounged on each other's necks
and wrapped our legs around
each other without worrying about
attraction
and when the pizza came we ate
and traded mushrooms for olives
and read books to each other
and fell asleep to a
movie on the television
when we woke up our backs ached
and my makeup ran under
my eyes
we peed with the door open
even though some of us are boys
and some of us are girls
and the boys didn't realize that
we need to make up our faces in the morning

this morning we
realized we felt like
teenagers
not just lonely people or
adults in a small house
or secluded or
casual acquaintances 


we were thrown

2:11
2.25.007

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