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Sunday, September 16, 2018
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Brother's in Town
Tate's in town and I have 6 hours sleep and -$1.14 in my bank account. I'm back to working on Sundays, and that's only one day off now. I don't know how to manage my life or my money, so my only solution I've come up with is to work every possible day to make the most possible money (still not much) so it's harder to waste it, and also if you work every day you don't have to think about the rest of your life.
I'm so so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so physically tired. My arm aches from work, right in the elbow pit. I've got it bent in too much. I guess it aches from work and the computer. I'm worried about fatigue or carpal tunnel. I am behind on all payments. My room is a disaster. I have to do the dishes, make coffee, but I'm writing this instead.
I'm such a fucking mess. I work so I can tunnel vision, just get to 6 o clock so you can come home and collapse. But when I widen my focus- god, everything's a goddamn mess isn't it.
There's a broken cup on the ground just inside of my bedroom door, and I've just been stepping on it for days. It's only bisqued so it's not vitrified and sharp, but honestly babe? Just pick up those dull lil' shards.
My whole life / is broken glass / I'm too tired / to pick it up
It get's stuck / in my feet / little shards / stuck in meat
I have a history of leaving dangerous stuff on my floor for weeks. Whenever that little poem feels like I really relate to it I know I'm in a down swing. I gotta find my way into an up. I only see Tatey a couple times a year, so, better to be happy than sad.
It's hard though. I've been feeling like I'd rather not ever wake up for about a week now. Not actively life ending, so that's good. Just, you know, tired and done with the world. There doesn't seem to be a future. I always scoffed at 5 year plans - just live your liiiffe duuude- but wow, with 5 year plans maybe life doesn't seem like a dark endless tunnel. Or like a little foot path ending a a brick wall. Or a cliff. Maybe seeing 5 years into the future makes a road that hits the horizon so you can at least aim for that. 5 years from now I'll be 34. What a stupid age to still not know what you're doing.
I'm so so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so physically tired. My arm aches from work, right in the elbow pit. I've got it bent in too much. I guess it aches from work and the computer. I'm worried about fatigue or carpal tunnel. I am behind on all payments. My room is a disaster. I have to do the dishes, make coffee, but I'm writing this instead.
I'm such a fucking mess. I work so I can tunnel vision, just get to 6 o clock so you can come home and collapse. But when I widen my focus- god, everything's a goddamn mess isn't it.
There's a broken cup on the ground just inside of my bedroom door, and I've just been stepping on it for days. It's only bisqued so it's not vitrified and sharp, but honestly babe? Just pick up those dull lil' shards.
My whole life / is broken glass / I'm too tired / to pick it up
It get's stuck / in my feet / little shards / stuck in meat
I have a history of leaving dangerous stuff on my floor for weeks. Whenever that little poem feels like I really relate to it I know I'm in a down swing. I gotta find my way into an up. I only see Tatey a couple times a year, so, better to be happy than sad.
It's hard though. I've been feeling like I'd rather not ever wake up for about a week now. Not actively life ending, so that's good. Just, you know, tired and done with the world. There doesn't seem to be a future. I always scoffed at 5 year plans - just live your liiiffe duuude- but wow, with 5 year plans maybe life doesn't seem like a dark endless tunnel. Or like a little foot path ending a a brick wall. Or a cliff. Maybe seeing 5 years into the future makes a road that hits the horizon so you can at least aim for that. 5 years from now I'll be 34. What a stupid age to still not know what you're doing.
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