Linda asked me why I was so angry, who or what I was angry at that manifested as anger at maskless passengers on the subway. I said probably myself, as I am the one ruining my own life. She said that that wasn't it, that that is a secondary thing that came from the first thing. She suggested the death of my father, but I don't think thats the catalyst either. I think I've been angry for a long time. Because I beat that german washing machine with a bat in Iceland, i had a few temper tantrums in Iceland, and dad was still alive then.
Is it my childhood? Is it being black in a white world? Do I have suppressed trauma? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking think so??
It's really snowing out there. Started last night and now it's like 7, 8 inches of snow. It makes the pitiful view from my window much more interesting. The flakes are so big, some of them look almost 2 inches in diameter, and there are falling and swirling and swooping.The motion sensor light came on twice last night and the first one was a cat I think, but the second one as soon as it went on I jumped to the window to see! Who has triggered the spotlight!? And no one was there, and the cat prints in the snow were old and soft and filling in with new fall, and I think it was just the huge snowflakes themselves that set off the sensor. A visit from Jack Frost himself.
What if this diagnosis is wrong? What if I have ADHD and they say I don't and I spend the rest of my life in a fog. What if I'm just a lazy human, depressed and with a desire to blame my shortcomings on a disorder that isn't mine and they diagnose me with it because I want them to, and then they hang the chain with the weight of this disorder upon me and it is one more faulty thing I have to carry. I can not trust myself to be right, and I have to somehow trust someone else to be right for me.
Sometimes when I talk to Linda she says things to me that I feel are wrong, like the anger thing. But do I think they're wrong simply because I didn't come up with them first? How do I tell the difference between a therapist that's not the right fit for me, and the discomfort of therapy?
Linda said I need to stop focusing on the negative and create a positive future for myself by stating it.
I will have a good job, and it will pay me good money.
I will feel comfortable in my own body, in terms of weight and hair and also muscle tension and foot pain.
I will find love. ( AHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T BELIEVE YOU [that's not helpfullll] AHAHAHHHHHH you IDIOT!!!!!)
I will find love.
I will have a home.
I will make something I am proud of.
Okay. Go do the day. Go live your life. Buy a foam roller.
