I've been staying with a friend for nearly a year, her kindness is unimaginable. I stopped looking for other housing because she said I could move into the studio apartment in the basement for one more year. But now, boom, she hates owning a house and is going to sell the house exactly right after I would have moved in downstairs. I turned down two sublets that would have been pretty affordable ("affordable" according to Brooklyn) and now I'm going to absolutely eat shit out here in the real world.
I don't want to be uncomfortable, but also I don't think I deserve comfort. I don't work hard for it. My credit is awful and I owe so much money everywhere. It's just so hard to do things until the shit is about to hit the fan. Or until it already has. Emergencies make my brain work and otherwise I can't 1) pay bills 2) respond to people 3) get out of bed 4) anything. I feel like I'm working all the time but at the same time I know I'm not working hard enough. I wish I earned $100,000 a year, but I also don't deserve that?
How many cups would I have to sell to make $100,000?
oh, actually only 1666. I can make 60 a month maybe. That only a little over 720 a year. That's $50,000. I can only actually half of what I want. yikes.
Maybe if I make 40 a month and sell them for 60 and the store takes half I can make $1200 a month. In addition to what I make then I could maybe
My studio is also being taken away. No where for me to hang my humble hat.
I've been sort of just waiting out these last few months, I just wanted to live alone for the second time in my life (the first outside the dorms) and just have my evenings to myself, just be able to do my hair without worrying about the dog. To be able to save more money. to cook and store it in the fridge without taking up space. To work on project and leave it out overnight. Now I'll be spending $2200 a month to live far away a studio apartment.
I don't know. The department of education has been gutted, the EPA is being gutted. The secret police has been funded beyond imagination. I'll never make a paycheck on my own that is equal to what our secret police is being paid. I want to leave but I can't even think of how. What the hell do I have to offer the world. I feel like there's no way to be in the world without being worthy. I believe that and somehow chose to be an artist. Why, because I like it? I should have done something else, dear god I don't deserve to live.
Everything feels like, like my sinuses and neck, and chest are made out of the sleeve that goes around your arm when they take your blood pressure. It just feels like someone is pumping up the inside of my body, not to bursting point but just enough to feel it, all the time. I laughed a lot today but I can't remember the last time I was happy.
