New Year, New Me

Look, my dad died years ago, and I miss him, and I'm sure it's affected me quite a lot, but he's gone. I think that it's been the worst for mom, because when you partner with someone, you're not really one person anymore. You're a little bit them, and a little bit you. Percentages vary. But I'm single. And my friendships are surface. If I died, I think people would be upset but I think it would be like taking a rock out of a river. The empty space gets filled in immediately with water, and the river keeps running.

I'm in a mood because I came into work an hour early for apparently no reason, and I wish I had had the extra hour to put in my contacts, and choose different shoes (it's snowing, I'm wearing tennis shoes) (tenna shoes). I'm cold and I'm peeved. I want to be on the couch. Also, Sunny barked for 6 minutes this morning and I had to get up to make her stop. I'm the only one who tells her not to bark, and she stops when she sees me now, why am I the only one training her out of this habit? Like, am I crazy, we don't want dogs who just bark all the time, in the city, right? Did I miss something? Is it cruel now, and no one told me? She ate her own shit last night. I like her a lot, she hangs out on my lap and chest now a lot more, which is very comforting and sweet, but who chooses a creature that needs and needs and needs all the time, when you're already stretched so thin? 

Goals for the year: 

Get Passport. 

Get a handle on debts. 

Get back on meds. 

Travel somewhere. 

Have a happiness, even if just for a day, or a moment, or a week. Real joy. The kind that cuts through and makes a permanent memory. 

Looking Up

Questionnaire for 2024

 I've been having a grand ol' time slogging through the tumblr I've been keeping since... college? High school? Anyways, it's 1 am and I'm probably still on'y gone back to 2016 or so, plenty more to scroll through. I found this series of questions though, and since it's a new year I thought I'd try and answer them. 

end of year asks

1. what did you learn about yourself this year? Not sure. Maybe that I am not as strong as I have been in the past. I really just kind of gave up this year and if i don't change things, actually put effort into something, anything, I'll just keep on deteriorating.
2. best moment of the year? I'm not really a "remember-best-moments" kind of lady. I literally can't remember anything.
3. worst moment of the year? Probably cleaning the house and moving out. It was brutal, and unending. And exhausting, physically, emotionally.
4. what was the biggest change you experienced this year? Moving. I don't live in my own place anymore.
5. best song of the year? At the end of the year, the very end, I found a song called "Bone to Bone" by Small Fools and listened to that on repeat a couple hours a day for a few days. "Togtet" by Vanir, and other songs on my Metal, Etc playlist kept me from spiraling a lot this year. "Money on the Dash" and "What I Want" were top on my spotify wrapped, for what that's worth.
6. best album of the year? I enjoyed brat.
7. what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change? I want to get back on meds. I am a pretty useless human being and want to be better.
8. best book/book series of the year? I read a lot of Richard Osman. I really enjoyed his worlds he built for me and my mom.
9. best television series? Oh god, I don't know. I watched Survivor with my friends, and that makes it the best show.
10. how was your love life this year? pass
11. what made you cry the most this year? weird stuff. I have been pretty turned off, but every once in a while somethign will sneak past the gate and I must do my duty and sob. And then stop.
12. biggest regret of the year? why choose. They're all my children.
13. best movie of the year? I enjoyed Challengers, Conclave, Nosferatu. I also enjoyed Drive Away Dolls, though I wish it had been tighter. I liked Furiousa, and Love Lies Bleeding too.
14. favourite place you travelled this year? I went back home, to say goodbye.
15. did you make any new friends? Yes
16. did you learn anything about your sexuality this year? It needs to be tended to or it dies.
17. what are some hobbies that you developed? no
18. what surprised you the most this year? nothing really
19. do you look different from the beginning of the year? I can't really differentiate time anymore.
20. how did this year treat you in general? the way I treated it. badly. via indifference.
21. what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year? try a bit harder. You have health insurance, btw.
22. has your fashion style changed this year? I have leaned even farther into uniforms. I have about 6 pairs of the same pants, all the same socks. 3 pairs of the same bra, mostly the same underwear.
23. one of the best meals you’ve had this year? who can say.
24. who has made the biggest impact in your life this year? Rachel, she's housing me, god bless her.
25. what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year? living i guess, just better.

I don't know why I bothered, sad sack

Two mirror selfies from december

at work and at a bar. I had to go to the bathroom like 4 times that night. 

 

New Computer

 two thousand dollars. 

I'm so glad to have it, but it's already like I've always had it. Nothing novel about it, just a computer that works. I was hoping the dopamine of having a new shiny thing would drop kick me into a new mood but it's not really. I am really enjoying typing though. This thing is so untouched by slog and the keyboard does not yet know clay dust, and my thoughts are flying through my fingers like lightning. Well, not quite that speedy- I keep making typos and mucking up my flow. But it feels good, it feels good to type. I've been working on my ipad and phone for a long time now and those devices are not for words. They're not for sentences, they are not for thinking. 

I have a wound inside my right nostril. The scar is so tempting, each day i claw it out with the nubs of my fingernails, and am immediately and locally flooded with pain. I can't help it, I must pick the scab. It's getting bloodier and bloodier and bigger and bigger. You can't tell from the outside, it's not swollen or anything. But if I press my finger to the outside of my nose, the pain makes it feel swollen on that side. 

I've been a curmudgeon lately. Just yucking yums, not enjoying things. I'm not finding delight in the everyday. I can't revel in the wonder of art and cinema. I need to attack this grey cloud twofold. One: stop telling people how much you dislike the experiences you're having lately. It harshes everyones mellow. And two: fix this. Dear god, you need to be happy. I have a nearly full bottle of antidepressants from a few months back that I stopped taking because they made me feel fatigued (feeling tired all my life didnt't prepare me for chemical fatigue). But, I cut one in half today and took it. So far so good. I am on a road to wellness. One foot in front of the other. One foot. In front of the other. And then do it again. Repeat, repeat. Walk down that bumpy, unpaved road. Ease on down it. 

Salt and Chocolate in my teeth

 

I've just hoofed a chocolate chip cookie from the bakery, from Yardsale. I ate a burrito the size of a cat before that. I am tired and awful today and eating is the only thing that feels good. Sleep would also feel great but no time for that. 

From the last post, years ago. Let's see what I've **manifested**

I will have a good job, and it will pay me good money. 

I have a nice job, I work as a ceramic tech and teacher, and I've bullshat my way into a position as a social media coordinator. I don't know how good I am at this yet. I don't make enough money to live alone and I am 35. 

I will feel comfortable in my own body, in terms of weight and hair and also muscle tension and foot pain. 

I'm fatter than I've ever been. I look horrific, like a baby hippo all shiny and taut, eyes bulging. I have a button up shirt on today and was dancing badly to Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter and realized that I look like Christopher Lloyd's Uncle Fester. My hair is half done- less than half done, actually. I had some hours on Wednesday to braid my hair and none since then. It's in a bun with a survivor buff hiding the mess. 

I will find love. 

In no way. This is an impossibility. My personality for one. The aforementioned similarity to a baby hippo, for another. 

I will have a home. 

I am literally living with a friend in her office because I can't afford to live alone and I needed a break from lviign with strangers. 

I will make something I am proud of. 

I like some of the work I make. But my output is pathetic and I have no career to speak of. 

I got to the restuarant I went to and sat down and started crying. I'm not even sad. I just couldn't stop my eyes welling up. I think I'm broken, I'm not actively sad, I'm just. I 

I don't know. 

Post Session

Linda asked me why I was so angry, who or what I was angry at that manifested as anger at maskless passengers on the subway. I said probably myself, as I am the one ruining my own life. She said that that wasn't it, that that is a secondary thing that came from the first thing. She suggested the death of my father, but I don't think thats the catalyst either. I think I've been angry for a long time. Because I beat that german washing machine with a bat in Iceland, i had a few temper tantrums in Iceland, and dad was still alive then. 

Is it my childhood? Is it being black in a white world? Do I have suppressed trauma? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking think so?? 

It's really snowing out there.  Started last night and now it's like 7, 8 inches of snow. It makes the pitiful view from my window much more interesting. The flakes are so big, some of them look almost 2 inches in diameter, and there are falling and swirling and swooping.The motion sensor light came on twice last night and the first one was a cat I think, but the second one as soon as it went on I jumped to the window to see! Who has triggered the spotlight!? And no one was there, and the cat prints in the snow were old and soft and filling in with new fall, and I think it was just the huge snowflakes themselves that set off the sensor.  A visit from Jack Frost himself. 

What if this diagnosis is wrong? What if I have ADHD and they say I don't and I spend the rest of my life in a fog. What if I'm just a lazy human, depressed and with a desire to blame my shortcomings on a disorder that isn't mine and they diagnose me with it because I want them to, and then they hang the chain with the weight of this disorder upon me and it is one more faulty thing I have to carry. I can not trust myself to be right, and I have to somehow trust someone else to be right for me. 

Sometimes when I talk to Linda she says things to me that I feel are wrong, like the anger thing. But do I think they're wrong simply because I didn't come up with them first? How do I tell the difference between a therapist that's not the right fit for me, and the discomfort of therapy? 

Linda said I need to stop focusing on the negative and create a positive future for myself by stating it. 

    I will have a good job, and it will pay me good money.

    I will feel comfortable in my own body, in terms of weight and hair and also muscle tension and foot pain. 

    I will find love. ( AHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T BELIEVE YOU [that's not helpfullll] AHAHAHHHHHH you IDIOT!!!!!)

    I will find love. 

    I will have a home. 

    I will make something I am proud of. 

Okay. Go do the day. Go live your life. Buy a foam roller.