Look, my dad died years ago, and I miss him, and I'm sure it's affected me quite a lot, but he's gone. I think that it's been the worst for mom, because when you partner with someone, you're not really one person anymore. You're a little bit them, and a little bit you. Percentages vary. But I'm single. And my friendships are surface. If I died, I think people would be upset but I think it would be like taking a rock out of a river. The empty space gets filled in immediately with water, and the river keeps running.
I'm in a mood because I came into work an hour early for apparently no reason, and I wish I had had the extra hour to put in my contacts, and choose different shoes (it's snowing, I'm wearing tennis shoes) (tenna shoes). I'm cold and I'm peeved. I want to be on the couch. Also, Sunny barked for 6 minutes this morning and I had to get up to make her stop. I'm the only one who tells her not to bark, and she stops when she sees me now, why am I the only one training her out of this habit? Like, am I crazy, we don't want dogs who just bark all the time, in the city, right? Did I miss something? Is it cruel now, and no one told me? She ate her own shit last night. I like her a lot, she hangs out on my lap and chest now a lot more, which is very comforting and sweet, but who chooses a creature that needs and needs and needs all the time, when you're already stretched so thin?
Goals for the year:
Get Passport.
Get a handle on debts.
Get back on meds.
Travel somewhere.
Have a happiness, even if just for a day, or a moment, or a week. Real joy. The kind that cuts through and makes a permanent memory.
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