BIG OL DOWN DAY

Spent all of yesterday just not doing anything

literally in bed most of the day.

I slept through my class, last class, zoom

have had so many naps that feature dreams that mimic my reality but slightly off, that it's confusing today. Wasn't that cabinet open? No, that was a dream. Why are the lights so dim in the bathroom? Dream? No, reality. 

I haven't had a fully dead day like that in... years. I didn't leave the house. Had one meal, leftover rice... rice dish, whats that called? Rice meal. Not enough water. How small would my studio apartment have to be to deal with this kind of day. A bed next to the sink. I did manage to shower though. A waste of clean clothes honestly, should have just stayed filthy.  

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I don't see the point, my friends, I don't see the point. I'm so stuck, so so stuck. Achey. Tired. Don't wanna. DO anything. 

**** 2 hours later

Took ONE (1) vyvanse, and I don't want to kill myself. Wow. I think if you have ADHD it should be $20 and available at any pharmacy without a prescription. I just show them my little ADHD card (9.5/10 she got it bad folks, OH-FISH-ALLI).  I forget to take my meds all the time, and also it's (potentially) life saving. 

(I am so lucky I don't live near a bridge because I've decided that's my method of choice and I was one day away from driving upstate to the one I know doesn't have any barriers. You can literally park at a grocery store and then walk back to the bridge and swing your legs over. And then sit for awhile, I guess. People seem to usually sit for awhile before they actually jump. I've heard.)

Anyways, I'm not going to overdose on Vyvanse, it's too helpful for me to sell it to anyone else (mine, MINE), and I forget to take it all the time so like, how is it addictive? I'm more addicted to cheese than meds. I am so curious if I would even get addicted to meth because this diet meth is FORGETTABLE. 

Yesterday was the kind of day that could ruin my life. I know I can do more to fix myself (go outside. exercise, eat better, journal) but like, I could fall asleep on a dime yesterday. I was barely conscious.  I had no control over my body most of the day. The only time I had any energy was when I was lying via text to get out of a meeting and then my muscles turned to pudding again. I'm gonna die in a ditch, I'm gonna be buried in an unmarked grave. I can't DO anything. I'm useless!