Two mirror selfies from december

at work and at a bar. I had to go to the bathroom like 4 times that night. 

 

New Computer

 two thousand dollars. 

I'm so glad to have it, but it's already like I've always had it. Nothing novel about it, just a computer that works. I was hoping the dopamine of having a new shiny thing would drop kick me into a new mood but it's not really. I am really enjoying typing though. This thing is so untouched by slog and the keyboard does not yet know clay dust, and my thoughts are flying through my fingers like lightning. Well, not quite that speedy- I keep making typos and mucking up my flow. But it feels good, it feels good to type. I've been working on my ipad and phone for a long time now and those devices are not for words. They're not for sentences, they are not for thinking. 

I have a wound inside my right nostril. The scar is so tempting, each day i claw it out with the nubs of my fingernails, and am immediately and locally flooded with pain. I can't help it, I must pick the scab. It's getting bloodier and bloodier and bigger and bigger. You can't tell from the outside, it's not swollen or anything. But if I press my finger to the outside of my nose, the pain makes it feel swollen on that side. 

I've been a curmudgeon lately. Just yucking yums, not enjoying things. I'm not finding delight in the everyday. I can't revel in the wonder of art and cinema. I need to attack this grey cloud twofold. One: stop telling people how much you dislike the experiences you're having lately. It harshes everyones mellow. And two: fix this. Dear god, you need to be happy. I have a nearly full bottle of antidepressants from a few months back that I stopped taking because they made me feel fatigued (feeling tired all my life didnt't prepare me for chemical fatigue). But, I cut one in half today and took it. So far so good. I am on a road to wellness. One foot in front of the other. One foot. In front of the other. And then do it again. Repeat, repeat. Walk down that bumpy, unpaved road. Ease on down it.