Send Me On My Way

Anxious again. In my neck. Shaking my hands and tapping my fingers together, shaking out the thoughts. Getting worse? Walking around muttering to myself "chop off your hands, your arms, your head." Like destroy the body to destroy the mind. 

Got to work a full hour late. Sat outside and cried a little bit. Been another hour, havent worked. Can't focus on anything. All my thoughts are in my neck, and shoulders. I hate this mask, it sends my breath into my eyes, dries them out. 

It's Yangtong's birthday today, we're getting dumplings to celebrate. 

I just want to go to bed. Didn't go till 2am last night, sat at my desk and thought about going to bed and didn't. I'm such a LOW FUNCTIONING PERSON, why can't I even go to bed when I'm near my bed and tired. I am trash trash trash. trash trash trash. trash trash trash.

Like physically my neck hurts, from what from nothing. 7 billion people in this world and I won the goddamn lottery and I waste my stupid life every damn day. 

I curled my hair last night, it looks nice. 

I want to fall asleep for years. 

I want to be loved, but I don't want to work for it, I'd rather fucking die. 

I miss hugs, I miss touch. 

I don't want to be touched. 

^ That's weird right? I want hugs all the time, but when I'm truly down, and pitiable enough that even Adriene donates a hug, I don't fucking want it. I feel AWFUL don't touch me. 

I just want some one to dig pieces out of my neck with a soup spoon and just throw me in a bucket of water to be melted down and remade into a better person. Reclaim me and build me better. 

The day we'd all been waiting for

 

Getting ready...

 

Halloween

 

Moving Day

 

Back in the Brooklyn Studio

 

The Lindseys

I lived with two Lindseys and a Joha for two weeks in October. The pink haired one is a costume designer for films and TV and her room (the whole basement) was amazing. I loved sneaking photos of her clothes and outfits.

 

Back in Brooklyn for my Birthday

This is during the two weeks I was still in Bushwick. I miss the stores, and restaurants, and bars, and vibes of Bushwick, even though I love my home in Flatbush. This was just a hot care that was hanging out on the sidewalk as I ran to the liquor shop to pick up wine (and cups! the guy rolled his eyes and gave me cups for the park) and then to Starr Barr to pick up Jil's produce she couldn't get.

Cody Rae made me cupcakes! 

It was so last minute, and so pandemic. Nicole biked from Park Slope and Cody Rae and Parker came from relatively nearby. It was so nice to see everyone. Before I went upstate I took a walk with Cody Rae at least once a week, and I got to see her upstate, I haven't seen her in a hot minute now though, I miss my friends. Nicole I saw at halloween, Parker I haven't seen in ages. Maybe since this, actually. I was going to do thanksgiving with her and Elise, but the numbers went up, and we all canceled. 

I ordered myself a very expensive cake, I ate it for a week. 

 

A hike I hiked