Brooklyn in Bloom

We're well past maintaining.

Goodness, I'm so paralyzed with fear of failure that I fail just by not starting.

I realized recently that I can not see successful people and imagine being them one day. I see people thinking about the future and talking about savings, trips, homes, promotions, relationships and I get lost. I used to just go fuzzy and couldn't identify with those things but now they make me angry and jealous. But I see an old lady collecting cans for money, or hobbling down the street, and I see myself as that. I really just see those old ladies, in pain, poor and just straight up see the exact path leading me there. It's not a conscious choice, it simply feels inevitable.

Anyways, Marie wants her wedding invitations tomorrow, she asked me to do them two months ago and I haven't started.

My car needs a patch on the tire and a new fan belt. That's not going to happen for awhile.

Student loans? Credit card? lol

car insurance. Yeah, I should renew that. Soon.

Taxes. Same. 14 days until the deadline.

My body. I huff walking down the street now.

I fixed things once, long ago and have since been watching those things decay. I can't bring myself to action.

Monday Muckings

Something sharp in my sock. I can feel it when I lay my right foot on top of my left, poking. Things get stuck in my knits and I can never find them. I have to toss dad's sweatpants because of that, there's something sharp in the thigh and I can't find it. I've tried but it's where the fabric is wearing away because of my thunderous legs rubbing together and the whole thing is a fibrous mess. I don't want to get rid of the sweatpants, because they were dad's, but that sort of sentimentality is silly because he got them when he was already sick, it's not like I have a crazy memory of him wearing them. Just wearing them sick.

I'm waiting for chicken tikka to arrive, I've ordered it online from a place that delivers fairly quickly, all about indian. I don't want to leave the house again tonight, and it's been a minute since I've grocery shopped.

Adriene is annoying me again. She has been working hard for the last few days, which means she is acting like a goddamn teenager. Waving me away when it looks like I'm about to engage, grunting something that I only interpret as salutation because I know her. Leaving without saying a word when I got home today, looking pissed that I got home early, like she wanted to leave without anyone bumping into her. I think I would be less angry if she didn't play the goddamn radio on the weekend mornings.  She gets annoyed that I invade her space, but then she does it to me, on the only morning I get in the house. She's alone here all the time.  I guess it's more that we're annoying each other again.

Silly that eachother is not a word. I say it like "ee-CHOTH-er" and i always forget to type the space between the two words. Always getting that little red line.

Foods here. Told you it was quick.