Salt and Chocolate in my teeth

 

I've just hoofed a chocolate chip cookie from the bakery, from Yardsale. I ate a burrito the size of a cat before that. I am tired and awful today and eating is the only thing that feels good. Sleep would also feel great but no time for that. 

From the last post, years ago. Let's see what I've **manifested**

I will have a good job, and it will pay me good money. 

I have a nice job, I work as a ceramic tech and teacher, and I've bullshat my way into a position as a social media coordinator. I don't know how good I am at this yet. I don't make enough money to live alone and I am 35. 

I will feel comfortable in my own body, in terms of weight and hair and also muscle tension and foot pain. 

I'm fatter than I've ever been. I look horrific, like a baby hippo all shiny and taut, eyes bulging. I have a button up shirt on today and was dancing badly to Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter and realized that I look like Christopher Lloyd's Uncle Fester. My hair is half done- less than half done, actually. I had some hours on Wednesday to braid my hair and none since then. It's in a bun with a survivor buff hiding the mess. 

I will find love. 

In no way. This is an impossibility. My personality for one. The aforementioned similarity to a baby hippo, for another. 

I will have a home. 

I am literally living with a friend in her office because I can't afford to live alone and I needed a break from lviign with strangers. 

I will make something I am proud of. 

I like some of the work I make. But my output is pathetic and I have no career to speak of. 

I got to the restuarant I went to and sat down and started crying. I'm not even sad. I just couldn't stop my eyes welling up. I think I'm broken, I'm not actively sad, I'm just. I 

I don't know. 

Post Session

Linda asked me why I was so angry, who or what I was angry at that manifested as anger at maskless passengers on the subway. I said probably myself, as I am the one ruining my own life. She said that that wasn't it, that that is a secondary thing that came from the first thing. She suggested the death of my father, but I don't think thats the catalyst either. I think I've been angry for a long time. Because I beat that german washing machine with a bat in Iceland, i had a few temper tantrums in Iceland, and dad was still alive then. 

Is it my childhood? Is it being black in a white world? Do I have suppressed trauma? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking think so?? 

It's really snowing out there.  Started last night and now it's like 7, 8 inches of snow. It makes the pitiful view from my window much more interesting. The flakes are so big, some of them look almost 2 inches in diameter, and there are falling and swirling and swooping.The motion sensor light came on twice last night and the first one was a cat I think, but the second one as soon as it went on I jumped to the window to see! Who has triggered the spotlight!? And no one was there, and the cat prints in the snow were old and soft and filling in with new fall, and I think it was just the huge snowflakes themselves that set off the sensor.  A visit from Jack Frost himself. 

What if this diagnosis is wrong? What if I have ADHD and they say I don't and I spend the rest of my life in a fog. What if I'm just a lazy human, depressed and with a desire to blame my shortcomings on a disorder that isn't mine and they diagnose me with it because I want them to, and then they hang the chain with the weight of this disorder upon me and it is one more faulty thing I have to carry. I can not trust myself to be right, and I have to somehow trust someone else to be right for me. 

Sometimes when I talk to Linda she says things to me that I feel are wrong, like the anger thing. But do I think they're wrong simply because I didn't come up with them first? How do I tell the difference between a therapist that's not the right fit for me, and the discomfort of therapy? 

Linda said I need to stop focusing on the negative and create a positive future for myself by stating it. 

    I will have a good job, and it will pay me good money.

    I will feel comfortable in my own body, in terms of weight and hair and also muscle tension and foot pain. 

    I will find love. ( AHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T BELIEVE YOU [that's not helpfullll] AHAHAHHHHHH you IDIOT!!!!!)

    I will find love. 

    I will have a home. 

    I will make something I am proud of. 

Okay. Go do the day. Go live your life. Buy a foam roller. 

 

Send Me On My Way

Anxious again. In my neck. Shaking my hands and tapping my fingers together, shaking out the thoughts. Getting worse? Walking around muttering to myself "chop off your hands, your arms, your head." Like destroy the body to destroy the mind. 

Got to work a full hour late. Sat outside and cried a little bit. Been another hour, havent worked. Can't focus on anything. All my thoughts are in my neck, and shoulders. I hate this mask, it sends my breath into my eyes, dries them out. 

It's Yangtong's birthday today, we're getting dumplings to celebrate. 

I just want to go to bed. Didn't go till 2am last night, sat at my desk and thought about going to bed and didn't. I'm such a LOW FUNCTIONING PERSON, why can't I even go to bed when I'm near my bed and tired. I am trash trash trash. trash trash trash. trash trash trash.

Like physically my neck hurts, from what from nothing. 7 billion people in this world and I won the goddamn lottery and I waste my stupid life every damn day. 

I curled my hair last night, it looks nice. 

I want to fall asleep for years. 

I want to be loved, but I don't want to work for it, I'd rather fucking die. 

I miss hugs, I miss touch. 

I don't want to be touched. 

^ That's weird right? I want hugs all the time, but when I'm truly down, and pitiable enough that even Adriene donates a hug, I don't fucking want it. I feel AWFUL don't touch me. 

I just want some one to dig pieces out of my neck with a soup spoon and just throw me in a bucket of water to be melted down and remade into a better person. Reclaim me and build me better. 

The day we'd all been waiting for

 

Getting ready...

 

Halloween