November Dump Pt 1 Bathroom Pics

I just love a bathroom selfie in New York. Every single one is completely different. 

1) At the bathroom of a bar Hannah S. and I went to before watching Elysium Fields (her cousin's band) at The Owl Music Parlour in it's final days of being open. I should have done a selfie at the Owl but someone fainted while I was peeing, right outside the door, so I was pretty distracted by all of the shouting. 

2) Selfie (later) at Hannah S.'s house. She and Maxim bought this amazing brownstone in Bay Ridge and every single room is wonderful. 

 

3) Bathroom at the gallery where Tanya's show was. Fancy soap and all

4) Tate and Emma's bathroom, old wallpaper and good, good light. Took my first bath in months, shaved my legs and did a deep wash of my hair. I've been showering daily, don't worry - just not baths. 

5) On my way to meet Adriene at the bar in the next picture, I stopped to buy dumplings and pee in Chinatown. There wasn't a mirror for a selfie I think.

6) Bathroom at Quick Eternity, the bar where I meet up with Adriene, themed like Moby Dick

 

BIG OL DOWN DAY

Spent all of yesterday just not doing anything

literally in bed most of the day.

I slept through my class, last class, zoom

have had so many naps that feature dreams that mimic my reality but slightly off, that it's confusing today. Wasn't that cabinet open? No, that was a dream. Why are the lights so dim in the bathroom? Dream? No, reality. 

I haven't had a fully dead day like that in... years. I didn't leave the house. Had one meal, leftover rice... rice dish, whats that called? Rice meal. Not enough water. How small would my studio apartment have to be to deal with this kind of day. A bed next to the sink. I did manage to shower though. A waste of clean clothes honestly, should have just stayed filthy.  

scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll

I don't see the point, my friends, I don't see the point. I'm so stuck, so so stuck. Achey. Tired. Don't wanna. DO anything. 

**** 2 hours later

Took ONE (1) vyvanse, and I don't want to kill myself. Wow. I think if you have ADHD it should be $20 and available at any pharmacy without a prescription. I just show them my little ADHD card (9.5/10 she got it bad folks, OH-FISH-ALLI).  I forget to take my meds all the time, and also it's (potentially) life saving. 

(I am so lucky I don't live near a bridge because I've decided that's my method of choice and I was one day away from driving upstate to the one I know doesn't have any barriers. You can literally park at a grocery store and then walk back to the bridge and swing your legs over. And then sit for awhile, I guess. People seem to usually sit for awhile before they actually jump. I've heard.)

Anyways, I'm not going to overdose on Vyvanse, it's too helpful for me to sell it to anyone else (mine, MINE), and I forget to take it all the time so like, how is it addictive? I'm more addicted to cheese than meds. I am so curious if I would even get addicted to meth because this diet meth is FORGETTABLE. 

Yesterday was the kind of day that could ruin my life. I know I can do more to fix myself (go outside. exercise, eat better, journal) but like, I could fall asleep on a dime yesterday. I was barely conscious.  I had no control over my body most of the day. The only time I had any energy was when I was lying via text to get out of a meeting and then my muscles turned to pudding again. I'm gonna die in a ditch, I'm gonna be buried in an unmarked grave. I can't DO anything. I'm useless! 

Really Tired

 I've taken 4 naps today: two before I left for work, and two before my meeting this afternoon. 9 minutes each. I'm so tired I'm asleep seconds after I hit the pillow. The third nap I took I could feel my whole body vibrating as I existed between realms for a little bit. The kind of vibrations that feel like a heavy rainfall has turned the lazy streams of your blood vessels into mighty torrents, flooding the banks of your body with fury and and might. More disorienting than relaxing. 

Self portrait [screen capture] of a portrait taken by Shiyara, of me

 

In Storage

I have a dutch oven

I have 200 books

I have vibrators

and a blender and a cheese grater

a can opener

I have boots

and coats

a full size fitted sheet

an electric scooter

packed away in some box there is an alter to my father

and my father's ashes

I have dresses, scarves

bottles of half empty spirits

a witches broom from Tennessee- a christmas gift from my mother

and a vacuum- a parting gift from Nicole

There is a desk lamp, 

and tax informations

a hairdryer

and a clothes steamer

I've been a year without them, so maybe I never needed them. The only things I miss on the regular are the full size fitted sheet (I bought a new one), the vibrator (I refuse to buy another when I know I have one, somewhere), dad's ashes (which- I thought I brought with me. I'll never forgive myself if I lost dad. Although what an ode to our childhood, full of misplacing things in the moves), the Fernet Branca (after dinner, it tells your brain you're done eating), some of my books (most of them, honestly) and the desk lamp (how am I supposed to SEE anything I'm working on??) 

I was thinking of this recently because I just bought a can opener. I opened two cans with a paring knife and a mallet and while it worked, it takes too long and next time I'm sure I'll get careless and cut myself. It turns out that Ester and I both spent several weeks hammering at tinned fish with knives before breaking down and just buying the proper apparatus. I mentioned that the last two I've purchased have broken way before they should have and she said she got the one from her childhood- simple, metal. So, so have I. Fingers crossed. 

I hate the life I've made for myself, but I like the things in life. I like this pandan matcha I just bought, that Nelli introduced me too. I like the little dog I pet in the cafe, and the Vietnamese way of make coffee for 10 hours. I hate my credit score and that it's that way because I have no discipline and that I live like a burden or a coddled child. But I did that, that's my fault. I keep being tempted to blame my parents too, but it's not fair even though it's easy. Everyone else is doing fine in the area's that I'm failing at and no one had perfect parents, and mine were actually pretty great. 

I think I should apply to grad school. In another country. Then I can get my degree and increase my credit score while living someplace where I can rent an apartment without a credit score. I have been thinking of the UK, Ireland, Canada- where I speak the language. 

october huji pics so far

 playing pool and eating dumplings with Adriene and Conor @ Mr. Fongs

getting new keys cut for the new studio space ////////    jess teaching class with Buster on her lap

lights reflected in the studio window at golden hour    ///      cooking sushi rice without a pot lid

taking a depression walk in the park and seeing the beauty of the sunset over the baseball fields

watching the ducks, listening to the woodpeckers

a peek into the pond

 

Happy Birthday To Me